My "child-rearing" days

I just ran across this photo today and realized that it was exactly one year ago today! I love Russell's little stance. (Who dressed him???) We had gone on a walk since it was a nice fall day. I think we'd stopped to look at something and I was tired so I sat down in the jogger. Then Russell said he wanted to take ME for a walk. My neighbor caught a glimpse of us and ran to grab her camera. How fun to look back on! Russell is my best friend, besides Paul. He is by my side all day, every day and I think I'm the luckiest girl!

The irony I see in this picture just hit me and it reminds me of a letter I received today from our well-spoken bishop (Bishop Bednar, who is as quotable as his uncle), thanking us for the Primary program which was this last Sunday. I quote a portion of that letter: "It is ironic that little children depend on adults to teach them and care for them; yet, we depend on them for the spiritual influence they bring to us because they are clean and have the Spirit. We as adults must care for them temporally; yet, we must become like them spiritually to receive the blessings of the Atonement for which they immediately qualify. For we must become "as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father." (Mosiah 3:19) In teaching children to grow up as adults to care for themselves, we must not only take great care to avoid displacing the innocent qualities that invite the Spirit, but also humble ourselves so that we can emulate the Spirit-inviting qualities which we as adults, must re-learn from them."

I find this paradox intriguing. While I care for Russell, I often feel that he is caring for me, for he teaches me and pulls me along through the hard times. His presence invites the Spirit because he is without sin. How grateful I am for my little child, pure and innocent, over whom the adversary has no power, and who has already been sanctified through Christ. What a cool thing to have such a soul living in my home and pushing me along!!!

Our light room

The last month I have been deceived time and time again, thinking that the light has been left on in the play room. I go down the hall to turn it off only to discover that it's not on. The yellow leaves out the window create a light effect in the room. It's really cool. Our bedroom has the same "yellow" view and I love it so much! I will miss it when it's gone.

Once upon a potty...

He has done it! My little boy is potty-trained! I am so proud!

(Yes, he dressed himself and Paul and I died laughing when he walked in like this!)

This moment has been long-awaited, but came as a sudden, unexpectedly joyful surprise. More than a year ago I purchased a little green potty with the intent to introduce Russell to potty training. I invited him to sit on the potty but he always responded with fearful shrieks and refusals. He was terrified to sit on it! About once a month or so, I'd pull it out from under the sink and ask him to sit on it. I had a hard time knowing how much to encourage or force it because I didn't want him to end up with a complex. One time I pulled it out and he never sat on it, so I put it away the next day. The following month I tried again, only to find that a neighbor boy had used it and not told me, so I had a wretched stinky mess on my hands!

We gave this idea a rest for several months and then started up again around his third birthday. We made a deal that if he would just SIT on it with the lid ON (!!desperate!!), we'd buy him his favorite train engine from Target. He did earn that a bit later with much persuastion probably early summer of this year, but continued to refuse to even open the lid and sit.

We decided to wait until after our Europe trip to get really serious about it. The day after we got back, I spent one day having him sit on the potty every 20 minutes. I even took it in the car on a few errands. He sat willingly and let me read him stories while we waited for the potty to come, but it never did come in the toilet. After that day I was just too lazy, until the end of October.

I spent October 19th and 20th on the bathroom floor reading him stories and following him around the house the rest of the time (he was constantly trying to hide so he could go). He went potty on the toilet once the first day and twice the second, with lots of mistakes in his underwear, always the second I walked out the door. I was so excited he was doing it and progressing, but boy, it was HARD WORK! It was literally a full-time effort and my house turned into a disaster. The next day I came down with the (swine?) flu and couldn't continue. Again, out of laziness I waited a week or two.

So last Monday we started up for real this time, with no turning back and no more diapers! He quickly attached himself to the incentive of the potty chart, getting one sticker every time he tried, 2 stickers every time he went potty and 3 if he went B.M.s. This time was a completely different story than the two days just two weeks earlier. He has only had once mistake and that was his first B.M. that he was too afraid to get out on the toilet. I only need to ask him if he needs to go potty if we are about to go somewhere or if it's been a few hours since the last time. This kid can hold it forever!!! I have been so proud of him! And you bet, I am loving having a big boy in underwear. Mixed feelings too, because he's still my baby, which I think is part of why I've been hesitant, just like I was to take him out of the crib.

Big boy Russell! Way to go!!!

Every time Russell gets a row of stickers filled, he gets to do something fun with me or dad too. Often, we can't even keep up with the rewards, doing two a day. He chose things like going to skater park, going on a hike, going to Arctic Circle, going to other parks, etc.

On our early morning hike before preschool

Eating ice cream and playing at Arctic Circle

His favorite skater park (Farmington)

We now just do verbal rewards for going, since his potty chart has long since filled up with trains of stickers around his picture. He has woken up every morning dry. He has even gone potty when we're on errands. If it weren't for the earlier drama of not wanting to sit, I'd say this potty training this was a cinch! We've finally made it and I am delighted!

Date with the 'rents!

Monday, November 2 my Dad called with an invitation to go to a Jazz game!!! Wahoo! He has gotten season tickets every year for the past almost 20 years, but sells most of them, so going is still a huge treat!!! Row 7 Center Court! They are amazing seats and we had a blast. It was great to see them up against the Rockets, our old play-off rivals. We were in the game until the tie at 80-80, but Houston took off in the last quarter, creaming the Jazz.
It was so fun to be on a date with my parents!Last Thursday (Nov. 5) I went on yet another date with my parents and got schooled in racquetball by my dad. Occasionally I'm able to beat him at least one game, but he whopped me every time. He is one of the hardest people I've ever played because he knows how to place the ball so that you're forced to run from one side of the court to the other constantly!!! Argh! He thinks I let him win, but truth be known I'm just out of shape--I'll just let him keeping thinking that!

Halloween

About a week before Halloween, I came down with the flu, possibly the swine flu but the Insta-care wouldn't test me. Russell got it a few days later, the weekend before Halloween and then sure enough Paul came down sick Sunday. That pretty much accounts for my weak records of this year's Halloween. But we did take a few pictures.

Russell's preschool group had a fun little Halloween party. Aren't they so cute! A new friend, Eliza (the princess looking down), joined the group this week and has been a fun addition.

We didn't get to carving our pumpkins until the morning of Halloween. I haven't been as into carving pumpkins lately, and I think it's because we are always in a hurry when we do it. I thought this year would be fun, with Russell finally getting it, but he still didn't want to touch the seeds and inside. Paul helped Russell carve the biggest one and he loved doing his very own pumpkin that he had grown.

Earlier in October I got in the Halloween spirit and had fun doing some crafts from the Family Fun website. We made ghost lanterns out of milk jugs, filled with white Christmas lights. We loved them! Even if it made our house look a little red neck! This little witch below was my favorite! I put some marshmallow eyes, squash nose, corn stalk hair, and paper accessories.

I thought these pumpkin/squash characters looked really fun with this cute sign my sister-in-law Jen gave me. Thanks, Jen! I'm still loving my only Halloween decoration!But my favorite part of Halloween, like all moms, was seeing my cute Russell dressed up and loving his part as Batman!

Dear Santa

In an attempt to get Russell to stop asking if we could go to the store and buy a certain toy, Paul helped him write his first letter to Santa tonight. Only 2 months early, right? It went something like this (at least the way it was read to me):

Dear Santa,

Go pick up the toys at Walmart at 6:00. Here is my list. I would like a batman toy, a spiderman toy, a superman toy, a joker toy, a batman city, a spiderman city, a superman city, a joker city, a whale, a big shark, a boat, an airplane, a rocket and a jet. That's all.

Love,

Russell

Pray the next two months go quickly, cause he's trying to drag us to bed right now so we can wake up to see his presents. Oh boy!!!

At least we have some new leverage--"Eat your vegetables so Santa will know you're being a good boy!" "Santa's watching--you need to be in bed now!" How long can we play this card? I'm pretty sure this is against everything taught in those parenting books. :)

Infertility: The Reason

THE REASON

-author unknown

Couples experiencing infertility often receive well-meaning but extremely insensitive "advice." We can all list the most popular ones: "Just relax and you'll get pregnant," or "adopt and you'll get pregnant," or "things happen for a reason", of the most painful from those who think they've got the goods on God's plan, "Maybe God never meant for you to have children." The sheer audacity of making a statement like that never fails to amaze me. These same people would never walk up to someone seeking treatment for cancer and say, "Maybe God never meant for you to live." However, because I am infertile, I'm supposed to get on with my life. It's hard to understand that people can not see infertility for what it is, a disease for which I have to seek treatment. What if Jonas Salk had said to the parents of polio victims, "Maybe God meant for thousands of our children to be cripples, live in an iron lung or die." What if he'd never tried to find a cure? Who could think for one minute that that was God's plan? "What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility? I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility. No, God never meant for me not to have children. That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on. I've been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, I'm a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let him down. Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known. While I would never choose infertility, I can not deny that a fertile woman could never know the joy that awaits me. Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when he handed me infertility. I already know."
Author unknown

I know this post is different from the ones I typically write. Since this isn't a private blog, I am very hesitant to say anything very personal. I am also very conscious of inserting opinions because I don't want to offend the nameless public who can read this. But I found this quote on one of my favorite infertility blogs and thought I'd share.

I don't want to dwell on the offensive (and defensive) side of this quote. I have learned to not take offense at comments people make, knowingly or unknowingly, regarding infertility. Each heart holds sorrows that the eye can't see. I know there are things others go through to which I cannot relate, and therefore I might lack in sympathy and empathy. How I wish I could give them solace without having to go through what they have! Ironically, sometimes the most hurtful remarks are ones made when people don't know the trials of others. We didn't tell anyone about our trying for another baby until it had been a year to a year and a half; I didn't really think it was something they needed to know. Besides, hope was always around the corner, a month away. Now it's been two and a half years and I am very open about it, though if you catch me on the wrong day of the month I will not be able to talk about it, for fear of emotion.

We've had two miscarriages in the last year and those are also tender things to think or talk about. I feel like I dealt with them fairly well after the initial mourning. But fall time has always held such poignant, strong memories for me. After being in Ukraine and Hungary for 3 falls in a row, the smells of autumn always made me feel like I was in Eastern Europe. Since being pregnant with Russell in the fall and extremely sick, even the smells of fall make me nauseous sometimes. Last fall I was pregnant yet again and miscarried two days before Thanksgiving, at 12 weeks along. And though I have always loved fall and the way it brings back happy memories from my past, the smells of this fall sometimes bring back more sorrow than I thought was in me. I didn't realize I am still hurting from that loss. Mostly I hurt because that void has still not been filled. Miscarriage coupled with infertility is extremely painful. We long for another child in our arms. Russell is old enough to also really long for it and he thanks Heavenly Father for "his baby" every night, as though we have already gotten that blessing. I am grateful for his eye of faith, because I sometimes get tired of hoping and keeping faith.

What is the reason for infertility? Medically speaking, they can't find any explanation why we have had a harder time getting pregnant. Spiritually speaking, "reason" extends our thinking. What has God meant for us in this trial? I think of that often. I relate with the quoted anonymous--I think He meant for us to be better people, I think He meant for us to gain strength from getting up every time we are knocked down, I think He has meant for us to see His blessings in a brighter light. I will forever be indebted to Him for giving me this time. Our marriage, in feeling the weight of resistance, has soared beyond heights imaginable. My love and appreciation of Paul and Russell is unbreakable and inexpressible. The love in my life has become my mainstay. Recognizing and enjoying my blessings has become not just a good practice but a necessary part of my life. I have learned that our Heavenly Father is so concerned about the eternal lives of each of His children. He loves us so much that he will even let us suffer in this life to qualify us for the great peace and happiness of living again in His presence. "For God so loved the world, that He gave His Only Begotten Son." My personal sacrifice through trial feels so minute in comparison, yet it has required every ounce of faith that I have. How grateful I am for One greater, who sees through all time as though it were now. I live by His sight when my vision is short.

How grateful I am for the love I have felt from so many as we have opened up about our trials and for your prayers and concern for us. For all of those who suffer in silence, my heart goes out to you. There are many of us who suffer with you, behind closed doors. Then why do we feel so alone? I promise that we are not. If any of you have been going through the trial of infertility or want to understand more about it, I would recommend reading the book "Fertile in our Faith" by the LDS author Krista Ralston Oakes.

Sigh. The post that is always in my heart, but that I never have enough courage to write.

Thanks for letting me share.